The People’s Elbow: [REDACTED] (doubling as a report on Carlton’s brave [REDACTED] loss to noble Essendon)

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“[REDACTED] this helplessness. [REDACTED] this waiting for something to happen that probably won’t ever happen.”
David Levithan, Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist 

1.

Before this all began, I [REDACTED] hated Essendon. Before the [REDACTED]; before [REDACTED]; [REDACTED] and [REDACTED], say nothing of the [REDACTED]. Before James [REDACTED] Hird took [REDACTED] and developed a [REDACTED], as well as a messiah complex. [REDACTED] hated them!

Before this all began, I [REDACTED] hated Essendon for years and [REDACTED] years. I [REDACTED] loathe them, even though I have little business [REDACTED] loathing them. For example, I’ve never been personally assaulted by a [REDACTED] Essendon player. I have friends who barrack for Essendon that I like. But still… [REDACTED] THEM!

Before this all began, I’d stop short of reacting to bumping into a [REDACTED] Essendon fan two hours before a game with “You’re going down mother [REDACTED]”, particularly if he was 80 [REDACTED] years old. Particularly if he was in a [REDACTED] wheelchair. (Just so it’s in the minutes, I did stop short, but it was a close run [REDACTED] thing).

Before this began, I was mildly [REDACTED] off by years of major media [REDACTED] inertia that formed a [REDACTED] culture of sycophancy and complacent hero [REDACTED]worship, and bland fluff [REDACTED] features that meant to humanise footballers. I’m, looking at you [REDACTED], and those glorified [REDACTED] copy boys who contribute page after [REDACTED] page of [REDACTED] Supercoach [REDACTED]. [REDACTED]me! Say nothing for the cheer-[REDACTED]-leading pieces of  [REDACTED]. For [REDACTED] sake! At least take the  [REDACTED] beanie off before you [REDACTED] file. Christ on a [REDACTED] bike!

2.

Before I came to the MCG to escape briefly from six months of [REDACTED] watching the AFL throw up on its [REDACTED] shoes, I thought that [REDACTED], multi-millionaire Essendon benefactor and Chairman of Cult Hird, would finally come out of this [REDACTED] mess stinking like his [REDACTED]. (I mean come on! Leaving Dean Wallis in charge of a [REDACTED] spreadsheet? Really? [REDACTED] me!)

Before I came to the MCG to escape briefly from six months of [REDACTED] watching the AFL throw up on its [REDACTED] shoes, I though surely some football god would drive a [REDACTED] stake through the lump of hardened [REDACTED] pus that beats once per decade in [REDACTED] pallid, cadaverous chest? That the [REDACTED] cheating [REDACTED] Essendon Football Club, would be repaid with anything but [REDACTED] glory for their treachery?

Wrong. Wrong. And [REDACTED] wrong again.

3.

During the game I pray. I pray to the God of Troy Menzel’s knee.

During the game I pray. I pray to the God of Stoppages. For the love of all that is [REDACTED] holy. How long til a [REDACTED] midfielder in a navy [REDACTED] blue jumper works out that Robert  [REDACTED]Warnock is tapping the [REDACTED] ball into [REDACTED] space?! Or how long til Robert [REDACTED] Warnock realises no one in a navy [REDACTED] blue jumper is where he is [REDACTED] hitting the [REDACTED] thing!?

During the game I pray. I pray that the next time Tom [REDACTED] Bell gets the [REDACTED] ball he doesn’t go through his usual [REDACTED] routine of one-Mississippi-two-Mississippi-three… before getting [REDACTED] dispo-[REDACTED]-sessed of the  [REDACTED] ball. Every [REDACTED] time.

During the game I pray. I pray to the God of [REDACTED]. I pray that [REDACTED], [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] have no lasting benefits. Oh, and [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] from Mexico.

I pray. I pray to the spirit of Euclid. For the love of  [REDACTED] God! Kick the [REDACTED] thing straight! For [REDACTED] sake. It’s not that [REDACTED] hard.

I pray, I pray that at the end of all this that Mick [REDACTED] Malthouse will make every [REDACTED] one on our [REDACTED] list watch tape of Kade Simpson’s game. Twice.

I pray, I pray that Andrew [REDACTED] McInnes takes the game-saving mark…[REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED]!!! What in the  [REDACTED] was that. Wait, thank [REDACTED] Kade Simpson has the b…[REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] are you [REDACTED] kidding me!!!!?  Here — here’s another few exclamation [REDACTED] marks, just to emphasise my [REDACTED] point. !!!!!!!!!!!.

4.

ZAH-HA-[REDACTED]-RAKIS. The one [REDACTED] player who [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] a needle.

5.

When all this is [REDACTED] over, I get forty-four – no wait, forty-[REDACTED]-five – text messages. Many of these are from [REDACTED] friends who rarely [REDACTED] seek me out. But when [REDACTED] Essendon beats Carlton they’re like [REDACTED] Majellan.

When all this is [REDACTED] over, I Google the [REDACTED] WADA code. As I [REDACTED] expected, neither mental [REDACTED] toughness nor a desire for the [REDACTED] contest are included under [REDACTED] S-2 or [REDACTED] S-0. Jesus [REDACTED] Christ! I’ve seen 50-something Toorak [REDACTED] housewives go harder during question time at a [REDACTED] Melbourne [REDACTED] Writers Festival event!

When all this is [REDACTED] over, I [REDACTED] toast the [REDACTED], [REDACTED] and their whorish cronies — and to the pimps at [REDACTED]  and [REDACTED] — for continuing to [REDACTED] devour football’s future [REDACTED]  fanbase. [REDACTED] THEM!!!! The [REDACTED] lot of them!

When all this is [REDACTED] over, I learn that James [REDACTED] Hird has now taken it upon his [REDACTED]-eating self to be the self-anointed spokesperson of ASA-[REDACTED]-DA and clear the players of any [REDACTED] wrongdoing. Couldn’t he have saved us all the [REDACTED] trouble and done this six [REDACTED] months ago? It would’ve been more appropriate for him to paraphrase Kenny Powers and say something along the lines of:

I’m genuinely am sorry. I brought you guys up from less than [REDACTED] nothing and took you up to a championship level, only to leave you high and dry. Naked and nude. Prey. Easy targets for the competitions to [REDACTED] and butt-[REDACTED] you. I’m sorry for that.

When this is all [REDACTED] over, [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] and the [REDACTED] ‘Patient A’ from Mexico.

When all this is [REDACTED] over, I [REDACTED] hate [REDACTED] Essendon. I [REDACTED] loathe them … [REDACTED] THEM!

Kiss my [REDACTED] arse!

Go to [REDACTED] hell!

About The People's Elbow

I'm just trying to make a difference in people's lives - get off my sack.

Comments

  1. Brilliant, Litza. Can’t wait to read all the reactions to these redactions.

  2. Andrew Else says:

    You left out J Waite’s quote when he lined up on Michael Hurley

    “[REDACTED] me. I kicked a bag against these blokes last time. What is that old [REDACTED] thinking?”

    Or B Gibbs when he was lining up for the winner

    “I don’t give a [REDACTED]. It’s not like they’re going to drop me. I was in the [REDACTED] leadership group before I’d even played a [REDACTED] game for [REDACTED]’s’ sake”

    Always enjoy your stuff Litza. None more so than today.

  3. You’ve got to stop holding back Litza. Didn’t Golden Boy decide his punishment for bagging an umpire on the footy show a few years ago? (20 odd big ones to the .charity of his choice). Now it looks like he may decide his punishment for the drug fracas (1 year paid holiday, leave my mates alone, keep my seat warm). One thing the AFL should remember from the Wunderkind’s playing days; tackles didn’t stick on him.

  4. ZAH-HA-[REDACTED]-RAKIS … funny as f@#*!

  5. Tony Robb says:

    “Many of these are from [REDACTED] friends who rarely [REDACTED] seek me out. But when [REDACTED] Essendon beats Carlton they’re like [REDACTED] Majellan.

    Without doubt one the great lines ever written.

    I too loath the filthy REDACTED Dons but nearly as much a Mick REDACTED Malthouse and the squibs who masquerade as REDACTED AFL footballers in navy REDACTED jumpers. If these dog boogers fall into the finals by default I’m barracking for Collingwood
    cheers
    TR

  6. I understand your pain Litza. I was going to write something similar about the Eagles – Collingwood game and Woosha. But I couldn’t get past (redacted).

  7. John Butler says:

    After the cheer leading (REDACTED) commentary last night, may there be a special place reserved in hell for B(ig)T(urd) and Darce The Wonder Dog.

    At least there’s no danger of the Blues being on performance enhancing drugs.

  8. Craig Down says:

    [Redacted] you’re a [redacted] funny [redacted], Litza.

    Keep ‘em coming.

    CD

  9. Ken Richards says:

    Brilliant!

  10. Malcolm Ashwood says:

    V Funny and so Clever you are a Star Craig Little !

  11. Thanks all. AE, must admit Waite down back puzzled me…. and I don’t need to be reminded about B. Gibbs. MQ – 12 months gardening leave for James as he knows who’s up who and where the bodies are buried at AFL House. TR, if we fall in, we’ll probably play the Tiges and who knows what you’ll get – although the irony of Richmond losing to the 9th-placed team is delicious.

    PB. West Coast… seriously, what the [REDACTED] is going on over there?! And JB, we cannot forget in all of this that Darce is Bomber family. Sure he played for the Bulldogs, but his wife is the daughter of former Bomber President David Shaw. And if his brief broadcasting career has taught us anything, it’s that he hasn’t got much of a mind of his own.

  12. Phillip Dimitriadis says:

    Superb again Litz.

    I hope Malthouse coaches your mob for another decade. This is so much fun.

  13. I can’t wait for ‘Talking Footy’ to start again tonight. What a lineup – Bruce (or a caricature of someone who once was Bruce), the Great Helmsman and “Top Bloke” Luke Darcy – all telling it like it is. Thank Christ for Wayne Carey – why can’t we have Ronnie and the rest of the Marngrook lineup as well.
    This is all becoming North Korea lite.
    What about replacing Barry Cassidy on the Insiders lineup with Therese Rein and the Ruddlings?
    Old media makes me vomit – all the news that money can buy. Thankfully we have the Almanac and similar social forums where people call it as they see it, and our prejudices are all up front.

  14. Brilliant Litza. I’m sure my Mum used by buy jeans from K-Mart that were called “Redacted”. Cheap as {redacted} shit they were.

  15. e.regnans says:

    Litza,
    It’s murkier than the Mary River. Now what happens when a member of an Old Boy’s network turns smelly? Do we have an precedents to help us read the play?
    1. Do other Old Boys unite in publicly offering unqualified support for the transgressor?
    2. Do they publicly condemn the transgressor yet privately condone transgressor’s actions?
    3. Do they act as a coterie? (3a. Are individuals who have spent formative years being raised in group-think capable of forming their own opinions? (exhibit Darce))
    4. Do they act so that justice “appears to have been done,” yet give a massive leg-up to the convict (e.g. a 1-year ban with an ogoing role as dietician/ consultant groundskeeper)?
    Let us hope that those judging the consequences for this behaviour sit outside the Old Boy’s network. What a pretty pass.

  16. Barb Smith says:

    God I hate Essendon. I love the way you express your hared Litza, and I think you do your best work when angry.
    But I would be happy to read boring, piffling articles written by you about Carlton, IF ONLY WE COULD WIN SOME GAMES!!
    MM had better do his best work in the off-season. While angry.

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