Good Friday Blues: Life of Bryce

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The People’s Front of Carlton (JB, Litza, TR and Barb) gather

Barb: [trying to hear the sermon from the mound] Oh, it’s blessed are the MEEK! Oh, I’m glad Bryce is getting something, he’s been having a hell of a time.
Litza: What Barb blatantly fails to appreciate is that it’s the meek who are the problem.

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JB and TR proclaim the arrival of the Messiah

Bryce: I’m not the Messiah!

JB: I say you are, lord, and I should know, I’ve followed a few!

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Litza begs to disagree

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TR identifies the real problems

TR:And there shall in that time be rumours of things going astray, and there will be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things with the sort of forward line, that has a marking player…at this time, a midfielder shall lose his clearance work and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before around eight o’clock…

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The People’s Front of Carlton gather to consider strategy

TR:We get in through the underground heating system here… up through to the main audience chamber here… and Bryce’s bedroom is here. Having grabbed Bryce, we inform Sticks that he is in our custody and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions?

Barb:What exactly are the demands?

Litza:We’re giving Sticks two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Carlton Imperialist State and if he doesn’t agree immediately we execute Bryce.

JB:Cut his head off?

TR:Cut all his bits off, send ‘em back every hour on the hour… show him we’re not to be trifled with.

Barb:Also, we’re demanding a ten foot mahogany statue of the Emperor Christus Judas with his Brownlows hanging out.

JB:What? They’ll never agree to that, Barb.

Litza:That’s just a bargaining counter. And of course, we point out that they bear full responsibility when we chop him up, and… that we shall not submit to blackmail.

JB:(Applause) No blackmail!

Litza:They’ve bled us white, the bastards. They’ve taken everything we had, not just from us, from our fathers and from our fathers’ fathers.

Barb:And from our fathers’ fathers’ fathers.

TR:And from our fathers’ fathers’ fathers’ fathers.

Litza:All right, TR. Don’t labour the point. And what have they ever given us in return? Except for 16 flags, and

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End of Season Trades at Carlton

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Turning over the list

Litza: [reading prepared statement] “We, the People’s Front of Carlton, brackets, official, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Bryce, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom. Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the AFL imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with our 16 flags, 5 Brownlows, 4 Norm Smith medals…………………

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Cheer up, Carlton. You know what they say:
Some things in life are bad.
They can really make you mad.
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you’re chewing on life’s gristle,
Don’t grumble. Play to the whistle.
And this’ll help things turn out for the best. And…
[music]
Always look on the bright side of life.

 

Comments

  1. Malcolm Ashwood says:

    Very entertaining Peter and very clever we all eagerly await the peoples front of Carltons reply . The happiest club re the blues woes would have to be the tigers who have been only fractionally better . The creativity to come up with a article such as this , and obviously many others on this site is incredible thank you !

  2. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says:

    Always look on the Bryce side of death
    Just before you draw your terminal breath?

  3. The best parody is the one you have to read twice to ensure that it is just that… parody.

  4. Are Carlton folk pining for the days of Big Jack? Now PB, you’d have to find good words to parody that possibility. I’m thinking much of the subtle work of E. Waugh. (Vile Bodies, Brideshead)

    Sebastian? Charles? Mulcaster? Blanch?

    Amusing.

  5. Luke Reynolds says:

    Peter, brilliant and very funny. Love the Christus Judas with his brownlows hanging out line.

    In my opinion Life of Brian is MP’s best film by far.

  6. Matt Watson says:

    Brilliant Peter.
    One of the funniest pieces I’ve read on the footy almanac (no offence Litza – you’re still the best at funny).

  7. The People’s Front of Carton? Fuck off… We’re the Carlton People’s Front!

    or

    Bwilliant! Fwow him to the gwound centurwion.

    Roughly sir?

    Oh yes! Wuffly

  8. John Butler says:

    PB, I think Bryce is more a bound-with-silken-cloth kinda guy. Not so much a nail though the hand guy.

    Apt though. We are the club of messiahs. False or otherwise.

    JTH, not much pining for Jack round my way. I think Jack pines for his former self though.

  9. Tony Robb says:

    Love your work PB .A my penance over Easter Im going to watch the reply of the Melbourne Game until my eyes bleed
    Cheers
    TR

  10. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says:

    For South Australians of a certain age.

    Pre-season AUFC, new players being introduced around the circle.

    What’s your name son? says Chocka

    Andrew Wigney

    What’s your nickname son?

    Don’t really have one.

    Chocka calls for suggestions.

    Smartarse me suggests “Woger” and it stuck (Sturt had a rover in the 60s/70s called Roger Rigney)

  11. Malcolm Ashwood says:

    Yes Swish I remember sober and is typical of , Ad Uni that is the first time I hav seen or heard his actual name

  12. Lorri Fletcher says:

    Very good Peter! I am over in Sydney for the Freo/Sydney game tomorrow (oh, and to catch up with my sister), and coincidentally watched The Life of Brian on the way over. Robert and I were crying with laughter at the Fwoh him to the floor, vewy wuffly skit! Even more spookily, my sister and I sat near John Cleese whilst having lunch at Cafe Sydney yesterday..

  13. Malcolm Ashwood says:

    Bloody auto spell , Woger

  14. Lowwi,
    Spooky huh. What do you think will happen when Woss Wyon asks his centurions to watch Wichawds; wun Whyce wide; and whack Wewis Woberts-Thompson??
    I’ll have a good wed with you on the winner.
    Are you going to Woyal Wandwick for the waces?
    I’m off to the wand of the wong white cwowd faw a week.
    Wegawds from Weaglewand.

  15. Barb smith says:

    Enjoyed the parody of my favourite film. Just wish it was being used for another club, say…..Essendon.
    I have retreated sorrowfully to Lake Boga, vacillating between crucifixion and resurrection.
    Is 2.30 too early for pre-dinner drinks?
    (Question is rhetorical).

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