Down wiv Skool – my letta to Selektaz

Mi name is Shane.  Not that Shane.  Uvva Shane wot is best none as Watto.  I am hero of Skool for all games wot people reely wotch – like 20/20 and 50/50.

I get bord wen I hav to stand in sun for long time in pongy, orful place lik Injia.  Hoo wonts games wot last 5 days – ok I no it wos only 3 – but still “qik game is good game” or at leest that’s wot I alwuz told my gurlfrends.

Hedmaster Mikki is horribull tof wot kame from Souf Afrika.  He is very feerce and keeps lots of kanes in his krikit bag.  He dus not undastand wot top Ossie sportsman is orl abowt.

We no wot is importint is wot happens on ground wen lots of dosh is on line.  Lik in IPL.  Hoo care abowt this rubbish.  Not even Injians wen they is floggin us.  No wun turns up to wotch Tests neway.

Tendoolkar iz so old he no Bradmin.  Hoo kares but Injians mak owt lik he is god.  Thay got so mene so hoo needz maw?

Hedmaster makes us sta in and do howmwurk.  Which as ne fule no is only for swots lik Hews and Cowin.  Cowin stowl my seet wen I wos in sik bay.  He is horribull swot wot not only reeds books but rites them to.  I put itching powda in his box in Chenni, wich is wy he always fiddle at creese and hav big rush of panik and get stumpd.

But hee stil wont giv me bak my seet.  Hews alwaz suk up to Mikki wot is only reason he is in teem.  I put led filla in hiz boots in Chenni, wich is wy he bat lik feet is naled to grownd.  He is soppy fule hoo cant even tel difrence.

It is not fare that I is blamd for not pooting in my homework.  I rote 3 things like Hedmaster arsk, but spel chekka keep saying duz not rekogniz Mandurin.  Dont no wot froot got to do with it neway.

I hav had nuf of this tosh and am going howm for rest of turm.  Gerlfrend sa she is pregnant and needz me to cleen shity nappys.  O well iz les shit than heer at skool.

Mich and Patto and me has had nuff of this rot.  Oozman is fule hoo not even no turm papa was doo.  Hee wil grovil to mastas and get chans next Test wen Hews get expelt.

Wot I kare.  IPL chek is in male,  and uvva Shane (lejind) tel me pregnant gurlfrend is big charns for fun whil she is knockd up and carnt go clubbin wiv mee.

Thanx to all Almanakkas for support.  I wil rite agen wen I can get spel chekka to work propa.

Cheerz,

Shane Molesworth (Curs of St Custards and gurila of 3B)

Comments

  1. Dear Peter, you have been eating your Wheetbix. Well done. It’s so hard being an Aussie cricketer these days, we should pass around a hat for the poor boys. A bit of humility should go in their Wheetbix and hat too. I’m with the coach. They are losing and need to suck it up a little.

    Or a lot

    Yvette

  2. Great stuff Peter, very funny. Watto would be happy with you keeping his spelling mistakes to a minimum. For him anyway.

  3. mickey randall says:

    As forecast recently in The Age, the Doomsday scenario of being down 8-0 to England on the morning of the Boxing Day Test is looking likely!

  4. Thanx folks. Appreciate the comments.
    I am wondering if there are other middle aged Almanackers who remember the Nigel Molesworth books. They were gloriously illustrated by Ronald Searle who also wrote the more famous St Trinians books (who could forget Alistair Sim as the Headmaster and George Cole in the early incarnation of what became Arfur Daley).
    I still think the Molesworth books are the funniest thing I have ever read. Even funnier than Monty Python.
    The 4 Molesworth titles were:
    – Down with Skool! A Guide to School Life for Tiny Pupils and their Parents (1953)
    – How to be Topp: A Guide to Sukcess for Tiny Pupils, Including All There is to Kno about Space (1954)
    – Whizz for Atomms: A Guide to Survival in the 20th Century for Fellow Pupils, their Doting Maters, Pompous Paters and Any Others who are Interested (1956)
    – Back in the Jug Agane (1959)

    Consider the rest of the Molesworth characters. There is an archetype for everyone in the Aussie Cricket soap:
    – Molesworth 2, his younger brother. Described by Nigel as “uterly wet and a weed it panes me to think i am of the same blud”. (Phil Hughes)
    – Peason, Molesworth’s “grate frend” [sic]. Molesworth and Peason build numerous inventions together (Patto?)
    – Grabber. Head boy of the School, “captane of everything” (especially “foopball”) and “winer of the mrs joyful prize for rafia work”. His parents are extremely rich, and Molesworth cynically opines that Grabber “could win a brownies knitting badge for the ushual amount” (Undoubtedly MJ Clarke to a tee).
    – Basil Fotherington-Thomas. A weed and a sissy. He has curly blond locks and is prone to skip around the school girlishly saying “Hello clouds, hello sky” (Ed Cowan)

    Some of the staff at St Custard’s:
    – Headmaster GRIMES [sic]. Headmasters “are always very ferce and keep thousands of KANES chiz moan drone” (Mickey Arthur)
    – Sigismund Arbuthnot, the mad maths master (Pat Howard)
    – The Matron (J Inverarity)

    Thanx Watto. You have all of NMolesworth’s churlishness without the humour and insight. Any other Knackers have an ancient Molesworth fetish?

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