Application for coach of Melbourne

Dear Peter Jackson,

Six years ago I applied for the position of senior coach when the Demons got rid of Neale Daniher.  Unfortunately no one contacted me.  Now that you’ve sacked Mark Neeld I’d like to reapply for the position of senior coach at Melbourne.

Funnily enough the Melbourne football club has spontaneously combusted again.  You’re in the same place you were six years ago, though the list might be a little better.

When I re-read my application last night, I figured it didn’t really need changing, since my circumstances have hardly changed, just like yours.  I have included my resume below, which I believe improves my chances of winning the role.  Contained therein is proof of my extensive coaching experience in the Brisbane Australian Football League.

In short, I have been coach of the Morayfield Might since 1981, winning four premierships and losing three.  I have attained many club records, some relating to football, though most were received on end of season trips or during celebrations after the game.

I note Melbourne has sacked their last four coaches.  That has to be an AFL record.  I hope to become the fifth.  Melbourne may as well build on the record.

It has been shocking watching Melbourne this year.  Ten losses by more than 75-points meant Neeld had to go, but the Morayfield Might lost by 200-points at the weekend and I am still coaching.

We lose a lot of games by 100 points or more, but I have the unique ability to motivate the players after losses like that, either by promising strippers and putting on free drinks if we win next week.  I’d be keen to try some of the techniques I’ve honed over the years at Melbourne.

I believe Melbourne is a club that has the potential to rise up the ladder, as it can’t get much lower.  What the club needs to improve is good players and a game plan, something it hasn’t had for the past six years.

Being an advocate for five-year plans, I am confident I could deliver Melbourne a premiership within said time, especially if I can do something about the timid list and lack of passion exhibited by the players.

I don’t want to speak ill of Mark Neeld but he was hopeless, just like Dean Bailey before him.  I had to laugh when Neil Craig was appointed as caretaker coach.  He shouldn’t be in charge of garbage duty, which, it could be joked, he currently is.

It’s clear from watching the boys play this year they’re pathetic, unfit, unskilled, undisciplined and stupid.

I can change all that, except for the stupidity, through planning and careful drafting.  I believe we should target the following players in the upcoming draft:

  • Kirk Tippett – an explosive player who can kick a hundred goals and tamper with the rules at the same time
  • Justin Koschitzke – one of the most loved, introverted players in the league.  He could play for another five years
  • Majak Daw – could be a great player when he learns how to play
  • Chris Yarran – a great team player who never spits the dummy

All the above players would bring a level of discipline, skill and commitment to the club, which may extend onto the football field.  Certainly every club needs someone averse in weapons, gambling, drugs, fighting and drinking.

The above men would certainly improve Melbourne’s culture and they should slot right into the leadership group.

They’d also help Melbourne overcome its embarrassing season and woeful record since their last premiership, which apparently was a long time ago, or a short time, depending on your perspective.  I mean, 50 years isn’t really that long.  Not when compared to the age of the universe.

To further strengthen my credentials, I would bring my assistant coach from the Might, Tim Duffy, who often comes up with good suggestions on drinking venues.  I’d also want to bring my fitness staff, who work tirelessly to ensure some of the players train at least twice a month.

I am looking forward to gaining more experience in the football industry and believe a role with Melbourne will do that.

Any suggestions that I was too slow to react during last year’s grand final are wrong.  Sure, our opposition had kicked seven goals in a row but I was warned by the umpires not to start a fight before the game.

It should be noted when the fight started, we gained the momentum back and ran out winners, by a knockout.

I look forward to hearing from you, or from your boss Gary Lyon.

Lindsay Guinn

 

PS – my salary at Morayfield Might is three thousand a season.  I will be tough on the negotiations.

 

Lindsay Guinn’s Resume

Football experience

January 1981 – ongoing

 

  • Have coached Morayfield Might to four premierships
  • Lost three grand finals
  • Four pre-season premierships
  • Coached the Taipans representative squad 11 times
  • Well respected by some people I’ve met and coached

           

Skills Developed:

 

  • Playing football
  • Coaching men
  • Winning and losing grand finals
  • Good understanding of tactics and rules, except the latest ‘holding the ball’ rule
  • Experience in naming the team
  • Know when to make reserve grade players back up for seniors
  • Know how to rotate the bench with tired reserve grade players
  • Know when to yell at stupid, tired reserve grade players
  • Can get the best out of good players by drinking with them
  • An understanding of how to keep the better players away from the pub before the game
  • Can fight if the better players are in trouble
  • Know when to overlook bad behaviour by the better players so they can still play, including drug and theft convictions
  • Can make examples of hopeless players so the other hopeless players know how to behave
  • Understand playing bad players out of position exposes them
  • Can praise a footballer for not getting a kick all quarter because he looked like he wanted one
  • Know when to throw the water bottle during the half time address
  • Set designated zones for players who smoke during the breaks between quarters
  • Imposed a ban on alcohol after midnight on the night before matches
  • Set designated zones for players who didn’t want to drink after the game
  • Know how to sledge umpires and opposition officials, especially if they’re fat and bald
  • Can make up nicknames based on a players surname, appearance, sexual preferences or race
  • Can distance myself from players by not drinking with them during the week
  • Follow the principle that encouragement is for the weak because the better players don’t need it
  • Encourage players to be themselves and trust their instinct, except when playing football
  • Know when to kick a team-mate in the calf muscle if he’s not performing, so he’s got a reason to go off
  • Am familiar with the reasons why a team should start a fight if they’re losing
  • Encourage players not to shake hands if they lose
  • Have stopped fights between team-mates, sometimes on the field, sometimes in the pub
  • Have encouraged fights between team-mates, if they deserved it
  • Can quote parts of the bible

 

 

 

Statistics

 

  • Club legend
  • Name on the honour board eight times, officially three times – the others are in texta
  • Seven photos on the wall in the clubrooms, three relating to football, another club record
  • Have been on ABC radio twice – club record
  • Played 333 games – club record
  • Kicked 913 goals – club record
  • Captain-coach for 20 seasons – 450 games, a club record
  • Three best and fairest awards
  • Six best and unfairest awards
  • Leading league goal kicker three times
  • Leading calf-muscle kicked six times
  • 67 percent winning record as coach
  • Twenty two tribunal appearances, suspended for 47 matches – club and league record
  • Found not guilty twice because the alleged victim was still in hospital – club record
  • Divorced twice
  • Admit to having three kids

 

 

 

Demonstrated skills – production of premierships

 

  • Refined ability to win, sound judgement and ability to decipher the needs and ability of stupid players
  • Produce clear and concise two minute rants between quarter time and three quarter time complete with spittle, swearing and lots of pointing
  • Better at half time, more swearing, often hit the white board and ask a player if he has balls
  • Ability to develop core contacts within the team so I know who the poorer players are

 

 

Work to club deadlines

 

  • Regularly produce match-winning moves in nightclubs after the game
  • Turn up to training before the session starts
  • Can train independently when team members don’t turn up to training
  • Often give hung-over players until the last minute before a match to prove their fitness

 

 

Interpersonal qualities

 

  • Highly developed and reliable communication skills in all areas that only confuses some players
  • Ability to inspire people with abuse
  • Natural personable level of grace and humour which expands to other members of the team, especially during abusive sessions when the team is losing
  • Am biased against the opposition and umpires
  • Respect the fact that I do not have an unrestricted right of speech over the team
  • Encourage team members to speak their minds if their opinions are the same as mine
  • Know when to inform a player that his efforts were shithouse and he’ll be dropped for next week – it’s best to do it at half time

 

 

About Matt Watson

My name is Matt Watson, avid AFL, cricket and boxing fan. Since 2005 I’ve been employed as a journalist, but I’ve been writing about sport for more than a decade. In that time I’ve interviewed legends of sport and the unsung heroes who so often don’t command the headlines. The Ramble, as you will find among the pages of this website, is an exhaustive, unbiased, non-commercial analysis of sport and life. I believe there is always more to the story. If you love sport like I do, you will love the Ramble…

Comments

  1. Matt

    I’d be make a booking for a statue in your honour outside the G right away.

    Be prepared however for the feedback that you are overqualified.

    Football needs more coaches like you. Morayfield’s loss is the Dees gain.

    Where do I sign the petition

    Sean

  2. What can I say? Brilliant!!!

  3. In fact stuff the Dees job, aim higher.

    This bloke has all the qualities we need in a leader and sadly lack on all sides of politics…

    Lindsay for PM!!!

  4. A classic.
    The funniest, wisest and truest thing I have read in ages.
    Don’t worry if things don’t work out for you with the Demons. There will be an opening for you in the West shortly.

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