An open letter to Tom Hawkins

Dear Tom,

As a Geelong supporter who hasn’t played a game of football since primary school and thought that Henry Playfair could gave been anything, I think I am highly qualified to give advice to you on how to get the best out of yourself on a football field.

When you burst onto the scene it was as if every Cats fans hopes that a replacement for the Gary Ablett of the senior variety had finally been found. After years of Kant Kicksley, The Great Spinkster, Mensch to the Bensch and fourth quarter specialist when we’re ten goals down Chopper Handley, all our prayers had been answered.

Denis Pagan famously declared you were a “young Lockett”. This seemingly has weighed you down in the same way as Buddha Hocking’s prediction that Clint “The Biz” Bizzell was the next Gary Ablett.

Well Tom, it’s time to take the shackles off.

I’m sure not many people have given you good advice lately, so that’s why it’s imperative to study the following considered suggestions that will see you live up to your considerable potential.

1/ Get a haircut.
That foppish Grammar hairstyle, flicked to one side like a dainty French pastry clearly doesn’t like to see too much mud on it. Get the clippers out, headbutt a locker and eat raw rump steak for breakfast.

2/ Stop waxing your legs.
I saw you close-up at training a few years ago and noticed legs with less hair than a James Bond villain’s head. Fair dinkum, it’s time to get back to the seventies, pin up a Dennis Lillee poster and embrace your inner hairy manhood. (That sounds worse than it did in my head.)

3/ Stop tweeting about muffins.
I know you love twitter, but you’re a league footballer, man! If you have to tweet, then do so about drinking a slab on the night after the match. Or rate your favourite Rocky movies. Or tell us how you listen to Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger” before the game. Either way, less talk about continental delicacies and more stuff about how you love a good punch-on.

4/ Fly to Germany and get a transfusion of Max Rooke’s blood.
You’ll emerge with agro, mongrel, and probably three strains of rabies, but my goodness it will be worth it. You’ll win eight Brownlows, kick three hundred goals a year and cure global warming.

5/ Ignore all the advice and play footy.
This one actually makes sense.

Yours truly,
Alex Wadelton.


  1. thefreeak says:

    I think we could all do with five minutes alone in a cupboard with our inner hairy manhood.

  2. Adam Muyt says:

    A big lump who’ll never make more than cameo ‘gun’ appearances. Trade him to the Dogs (who are always in need of tall timber and gullible enough to take him) for a second round draft pick while he’s still got a few years puffery in him and be done with it.

  3. Mitch White?
    Biscuit Arnott?

    Hawkins is alright. He just needs to forget about his so-called “potential”…

    “Don’t do it! Stay away from your potential. You’ll mess it up, it’s potential, leave it. Anyway, it’s like your bank balance – you always have a lot less than you think.”
    – Dylan Moran

  4. Joseph Walker says:

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