Almanac Teams: Aussie Rules butchered by Marvel Studios’ god awful CGI

 

 

CGI is the bane of my existence. Ever since it captured my imagination in Jurassic Park, I’ve been compelled to keep a roving eye on its development, and boy has that resulted in suffering the vacuous world of Marvel more than someone who’s not actually being tortured should have to.

Apart from the maddeningly disproportionate apportionments of their budgets (two dollars for the story; 200 million for the animation), my biggest beef with CGI films is that they rarely reconcile motion with mass i.e. mutant lizards the size of skyscrapers can’t possibly zip around like ’90s Sydney Swan Jamie Lawson (well, at least so while on earth; and as for elsewhere, well even suspending belief to embrace screwy physics in alternate universes doesn’t salvage it into something half-watchable for this blighter.)

And with this reference to Jamie Lawson, and therefore, something from the AFL biosphere, I now segue competently enough to a contribution to Lord Bogan’s fantastic ‘teams series’…

What if Marvel studios et al took on Aussie Rules and again got the CGI horribly, horribly wrong? Well, I believe it would result in a team of ungainly kicking styles, lopers, hyper-motion types and miscastings. A team consisting of players we’ve already seen!!

Backs: Curley Austin, Ken Hunter, Paul Barnard.

I dare say, should an animator have stylized Curley and Ken’s ungainly kicking techniques, he or she would have ended up on food stamps. Indeed, had Marvel come up with the biomechanics of these players’ punts, they’d quickly have gone into receivership for delivering a horrendous realisation of a great Aussie Rules skill.

As for an animator who might have put Paul Barnard together, well, he or she would have done so during a lazy afternoon when he or she decided to cut corners and rebirth footage from the troll scenes in Lord of the Rings

Half backs: David Polkinghorne, Ross Glendinning, Gary Cownton

The animator who failed Curley and Ken would have been at work here too: David Polkinghorne’s CGI is butchered the very same way. Ross Glendenning, on the other hand, would have been failed by an animator from Pixar: the one who put together Buzz Lightyear.

Gary ‘Crazy Horse’ Cownton? Whomever may have come up with this hyper-barnstorming attack on the sherrin shouldn’t be let near anything to do with depicting human motion again. I mean, humans can’t move like brumbies, okay! Making it so fries the mind!

Centres: David Rhys-Jones, Marcus Bontempelli, Scott Pendlebury

Clearly, these lopers would be the work of an individual; possibly an animator who uses medicinal marijuana? Marvel, these lopers jar the mind as they make time stand still and are a much better fit as co-stars in Keanu Reeves’ Matrix series, okay.

Half forwards: Mark Weideman, David Cloke, Mark Roberts

The CGI for Mark Weideman would have the fingerprints of the individual who put together Gary Cownton all over it. But this time the animator was aiming for a bogan running like a berserker!

David Cloke? Would have been the same person who put together Curley and Ken, I expect. But having a laugh with this one by adding a 70’s porn mo.

As for Mark ‘The Fridge’ Roberts? He would have been put together by an animator who mixed up the Aussie Rules CGI brief with a Harvey Norman ad, where he or she was supposed to anthropomorphise whitegoods as humans.

Forwards: Charlie Manson, Warwick Capper, Geoff Blethyn

Charlie and Warwick would have been cruelled by an intern working under the animator who cruelled Curley, David, David and Ken; even lousier work this time Marvel (and what’s with the suffocating shorts on Capper, Marvel? Very passive aggressive statement about the manliness of our game you’re making there…)

Geoff Blethyn? I think the animator who would have messed up Mark ‘The Fridge’ Roberts, would be the one who also messed up Geoff: this time mixing up the Aussie Rules brief with an ad for H & R Block and miscasting a tax accountant as a footballer.

Rucks: Gary Dempsey, Serg Silvangi, Paul Callery

Gary and Serg? They would have been cruelled by a work experience student working under the intern who worked under the animator who cruelled Curley et al. Horrendous, horrendous, horrifying realization of the drop punt with these two.

As for Paul Callery? Marvel, why would you compel your animators to stylize an Oompa Loompa as a footballer? I’m putting it down to the passive aggression evident when you put together Capper’s shorts.

Interchange: Damian Monkhorst, Peter Keenan, Robert Neal, Kane Cornes

And on our bench, nothing much I haven’t covered already. Monkhorst, see Barnard. Neal, see Cownton. But with Keenan, see Barnard, Weideman and Curley! And Kane Cornes? Rebirthed footage from the Jigsaw scenes in the god awful Saw series … though, I don’t think the Saw series actually used CGI?

 

****

 

Marvel’s CGI team in a more customary presentation …

 

B Curley Austin, Ken Hunter, Paul Barnard

HB David Polkinghorne, Ross Glendinning, Gary Cownton

C David Rhys-Jones, Marcus Bontempelli, Scott Pendlebury

HF Mark Weideman, David Cloke, Mark Roberts

F Charlie Manson, Warwick Capper, Geoff Blethyn

R Gary Dempsey, Serg Silvangi, Paul Callery

Int Damien Monkhorst, Peter Keenan, Robert Neal, Kane Cornes

 

 

Presenting The Tigers’ Almanac 2017. Read all about it HERE.

Purchase The Tigers’ Almanac 2017 HERE.

 

About Punxsutawney Pete

Punxsutawney Pete see's a shadow: twelve more months of winter

Comments

  1. Luke Reynolds says:

    I blame Marvel for not making Mark Weideman a good enough player to play enough games for the Pies to claim Sam Weideman under father son rule. Time for the grandfather grandson rule to come in (see also- Ed Richards being drafted to the Bulldogs).

  2. Punxsa-and-the-rest-of-it Pete says:

    Luke, I made a blue there. I meant Wayne Weidemann, the cult Adelaide player from the 90’s. Mark? I think his CGI is fine … nothing artificial goin on the way I remember him. Good luck with the grandfather father-son, second-cousin/2-degree-of-speration from Eddie McGuire thing … but really I hope the Dogs get him too if he’s any good (or the Tiges! Go Dusty!!))

  3. Luke Reynolds says:

    I didn’t see Mark Weideman play so had no reason to question what you wrote, but you describe Wayne perfectly. Always loved the chant of ‘weeeeeeeeeeeeed’ every time he got the ball.

    Have seen David Cloke several times in the crowd at the footy, he totally looks CGI in real life!

  4. I think Big Ben Brown has some of the worst CGI of the current players, although his CGI has improved since his character first appeared on our screens. And the animation of Clay Smith’s kicking style is really unconvincing, it’s hard to believe it was ever actually released.

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