Almanac Satire: The Principal sends for Barnaby

(with apologies to Bryan Dawe and the late John Clarke)

 

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Principal: Come in, Barnaby.

 

Barnaby: (over his shoulder, yelling) Oh! Tell him to come here and say that! He’s asking for it!

 

Principal: Barnaby.

 

Barnaby: (still yelling, taking his seat) After school! The shelter sheds!

 

Principal: Barnaby, that’s enough.

 

Barnaby: He’s asking for it.

 

Principal: Who’s asking for it?

 

Barnaby: The Shrinking Man, that’s who. He’s inept.

 

Principal: Now, now.

 

Barnaby: Inept.

 

Principal: That’s a terrific word, Barnaby. Congratulations.

 

Barnaby: Thanks.

 

Principal: Yes. But we’re not here to talk about the Head Boy, are we?

 

Barnaby: Aren’t we?

 

Principal: No. Do you know why I called you here?

 

Barnaby: (glares; changes to a stare of confusion)

 

Principal:

 

Barnaby:

 

Principal: Well?

 

Barnaby: Is it because of my watering job?

 

Principal: Your watering job? Why would I call you in to discuss your watering job?

 

Barnaby: Oh.. I don’t know. It’s been a tricky job. Surprisingly tricky…

 

Principal: How has it been tricky, Barnaby? We only have so much water. You just need to fairly and equitably share it around.

 

Barnaby: Yeah. Sort of…

 

Principal: Have you managed to share it fairly?

 

Barnaby: Yeah, nah. Mostly…

 

Principal: I see.

 

Barnaby: Well, it’s complicated. There’s not enough water. And too many tough guys.

 

Principal: Which tough guys?

 

Barnaby: Nah. It’s alright. They told me not to say.

 

Principal. Hmm. Alright. We’ll leave that aside for tonight. But we’ll come back to that at Parent-Teacher interviews, I think. Look, I didn’t call you in here to discuss your watering job. Why do you think I invited you here?

 

Barnaby: Is it because of my old girlfriend?

 

Principal: Pardon?

 

Barnaby: Well everyone’s talking about it. And I just changed girlfriends. That’s all. Lots of people do that.

 

Principal: Lots of people change partner, that’s true.

 

Barnaby: Yeah, so what’s the big deal?

 

Principal: Well it was a bit more serious than that, wasn’t it, Barnaby?

 

Barnaby: No it wasn’t. Not really.

 

Principal:

 

Barnaby: Well. Sort of. Well, yeah, I guess.

 

Principal:

 

Barnaby: But I’m allowed to do that. It’s a free country.

 

Principal: Of course you’re allowed. And it might surprise you to know that I didn’t call you in to discuss your personal life, either.

 

Barnaby: Oh.

 

Principal: No. It’s none of my business. But thanks for telling me. You reveal quite a lot.

 

Barnaby: (checks his trousers) Do I?

 

Principal: Probably more than you know. Now, Barnaby, can you think of any other reason I might have asked you in here? Anything at all?

 

Barnaby: Er…. You tell me.

 

Principal: Barnaby you’re responsible for a lot of School money, aren’t you?

 

Barnaby: I was voted in for that job.

 

Principal: Yes. Now, what do you know about the word “nepotism”?

 

Barnaby: (Tilts his head) Err… Is it better than “inept”?

 

Principal: Well… they probably belong side-by-side. What about “awareness”?

 

Barnaby: (leans forward, eyes gleam) What have you got in mind?

 

Principal: No, no. I mean, what do you know about the word “awareness”?

 

Barnaby: (rocks rapidly back) Ah-wear-niss, you say? Nope. Don’t know that one.

 

Principal: Ahh, well this is why you’re here today. You hold a position of enormous trust when it comes to school funds.

 

Barnaby: Yes.

 

Principal: And your judgement is called upon with regard to all sorts of very important decisions.

 

Barnaby: Yes.

 

Principal: You’re supposed to be a leader of our community, Barnaby.

 

Barnaby: Yes.

 

Principal: And in that position, you simply can’t go getting jobs for your mates. And you can’t accept expensive gifts from mates. It’s not on. It’s simply not on.

 

Barnaby: No.

 

(Bell sounds)

 

Principal: Look, I’ve got to go. Now, what do you suggest we do from here?

 

Barnaby: I know some watering blokes that could help me out.

 

====

 

J Clarke and B Dawe would have smashed this week.
This script lends itself (in totality) to works such as this:

 

 

About David Wilson

Hit for a towering 6 by Mike Gatting at the Banyule Cricket Club, December 2002, theatrically attempting to reproduce the SK Warne delivery. The ball is yet to land. @e_regnans

Comments

  1. Gordon Duncan says:

    No apologies to John and Brian needed David.

  2. e.r.
    If there is a heaven John Clarke is surely sitting there pissing himself laughing, and rueing the fact that he and Brian were not able to be a part of all this.

  3. DBalassone says:

    Ha ha. Nicely played out ER. Can just imagine this.

    I might be wrong, but I can’t help wondering if we all missed the real reason behind Turnbull’s “a shocking error of judgement” comments. Was he discreetly, indirectly having a crack at the Opposition Leader for his actions about a decade ago?

    Ah, the dark arts…

  4. Thanks G Duncan, Smokie, D Balassone,

    It seems truth is stranger than fiction, after all.
    DB – that’s an interesting interpretation.
    #yikes

  5. John Butler says:

    Onya, E Reg.

    It’s a brave man who dares to satirize current events.

    #gazumpedeveryday

  6. Luke Reynolds says:

    Brilliant! Well played ER.
    Loved the Clarke & Dawe clip. What a loss J.Clarke was.
    Reckon DB has nailed the interpretation intended by MT.
    Very hard to like anyone in parliament at the moment. Rulebook for PM.

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