Almanac Satire – Desmond interviews the President

 

Long-time interviewer Desmond Troyer is joined tonight by this week’s President-of-the-moment.

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Interviewer: Mr President, thanks for your time.

President: Good evening.

Interviewer: What is your job?

President: Sorry. Did you ask ‘what is my job’?

Interviewer: That’s right. As president, what is your job?

President: Well, look, the job of club president is largely a figurehead role. I’m in paid employment too, you might know, Desmond.

Interviewer: Yes, but what is the job of a club president?

President: You might have seen me on the TV. I’m quite well known. Mildly famous, you might say.

Interviewer: I’m sure that’s lovely; but what is the job of club president?

President: Oh, well, that’s easy. It’s to promote the club, enhance the competition generally, and to provide our football department with everything they need in order to win our next premiership. It’s about premierships, in the end. The whole thing is a pissing contest.

Interviewer: How so?

President: Oh, you know; mine is bigger than yours.

Interviewer: Right. My list of premierships is…

Both together: …bigger than yours.

President: That’s right.

Interviewer: So your job is to win premierships.

President: Well, yes that’s a key part of it. There’s also the managing of an inner city property portfolio, overseeing a hotel and gambling empire, a media enterprise, creating new ways to inflate our membership figures, the women’s stuff; there’s a lot to it.

Interviewer: But essentially your job is to provide resources in order to win premierships.

President: Well, I can see where you’re going here and I need to explain that there’s a lot of other stuff going on. A helluva lot, Desmond.

Interviewer: When was your last premiership, Mr President?

President: Look, there are player managers to schmooze, media deals to bed down, past players to superannuate. I’ve got a list as long as your arm.

Interviewer: You’ve won one premiership in 20 odd years of presidency. And that was seven years ago.

President: I’ve got deals to finalise, staff from other clubs to poach. Profit to make. There’s a tipping app. There’s the entire narrative arc of my presidency to embalm; to sell. And that will need some protection.

Interviewer: But what about the fans, Mr President? Feedback says that they are disenfranchised with the modern experience. They feel too distant from the game, from the players. Distant even from the club.

President: We have never had more members. People are voting with their feet, Desmond.

Interviewer: How do you consistently define the word “member”?

President: Didn’t you hear what I said? Never more members.

Interviewer: Alright. What are you doing to engage with grassroots footy fans?

President: We’re doing something right; people flock to us. With their feet.

Interviewer: Flocking with their feet; alright. Mr President, do you accept that the club is bigger than any individual?

President: It depends.

Interviewer: Depends on what?

President: Well, clearly it depends on which individual you’re talking about. Some of us are pretty enormously important, you know, Desmond.

Interviewer: Yes. Mr President, do you then accept that your board is stacked with sycophants and that despite what they say, it is time for you to go?

President: Not that I’ve heard.

[Phone rings in President’s pocket. He answers]

President: Hello? Yes…  No… Shanghai; they’re playing in Shanghai… So Google it?… World’s most populous  cities… That’s right… Shanghai is only third? Ha! What are one and two..? … Ahh… Well done.

[Hangs up the phone with a smile]

Interviewer: Who was that?

President: That, my friend, was Payday. Good old Macca from the 91 premiership side. Now the CEO at Elite Sports Boys’ Club.

Interviewer: Yes?

President: We’re employing him. For a motza, I might say, Desmond. I mean… phheeewww.

Interviewer: Oh yes? Club money?

President: Look, the point is that we now have the last two words to insert in our PowerPoint to Gill and the crew.

Interviewer: Oh yes? What are they? Something grassroots?

President: Tokyo, Desmond. And Delhi.

Interviewer: I see. After seven rounds, you’re now further from a premiership than at almost any time during your presidency. What changes will you make to restore hope to your clubs’ supporters?

President: We don’t whinge at this club. We stay together.

Interviewer: But when your coach’s winning percentage is falling through the floor year after year, isn’t it good business sense to review that position?

President: We stay together.

Interviewer: And given your own performance, isn’t it good business sense to review your position?

President: Look, we have been successful. And my message to the fans is this: we are 100% focussed on our fans and on our next premiership.

Interviewer: Thanks for your time.

President: [stabbing at phone] Business class Tokyo…

 

 

See Desmond’s previous interview with the coach

 

About David Wilson

Hit for a towering 6 by Mike Gatting at the Banyule Cricket Club, December 2002, theatrically attempting to reproduce the SK Warne delivery. The ball is yet to land. @e_regnans

Comments

  1. Phillip Dimitriadis says:

    “Interviewer: So your job is to win premierships.

    President: Well, yes that’s a key part of it. There’s also the managing of an inner city property portfolio, overseeing a hotel and gambling empire, a media enterprise, creating new ways to inflate our membership figures, the women’s stuff; there’s a lot to it.” NAILED IT !!

    Desmond, too close to home and too close to the bone – Brilliant satire ER. Business Class indeed. Do they not realise how out of touch they are and that the feet are walking away? Or will TV and Live Streaming cover it and they don’t really give a toss?

  2. Luke Reynolds says:

    “President: We stay together.” Side by side??
    Brilliant ER.

  3. Let them eat cake!

  4. Peter_B says:

    Trumpian perversity – nailed it ER. Can Eddie get Caro sacked? For her unfair treatment of James Hird? After all everybody has has a bone to pick with Caro. So everyone should be happy. Right?
    If you can’t give them bread, give them circuses. When the going gets weird, the weird get going.

  5. E.regnans says:

    Thanks Phil, Luke, Dips, PB
    Truth is stranger than fiction, as they say.

    Picked up this one on Twitter last night.
    Apparently each week Bryan Dawe & the Clarke family will choose an archive episode to play in the usual Thursday night slot. Here’s their first pick:

  6. Do I detect some dis-satisfaction among those supporters of the Carringbush ?

  7. E.regnans says:

    Particularly appropriate right now, and an impetus, but this issue is more generalised than the Carringbush, smokie.
    Self-propogating industries of consultants and Gool Old Boys seemingly run shallow but wide. Very wide. Stadium owners, women’s team licence holders, board members, back scratchers, members of other boards, sponsors, the indebted, the indebtors, the rich, the rest…, the media arm, conflicts of interest (business/ promotion/ other), those with financial clout, off-the-record methods of business, favours, favours called in, consultants, hired guns… why Shanghai? Why Homebush? Why Canberra for that fixture and not for another?
    So many unquestioned decisions.
    So much money.
    Who runs things, I wonder?
    Where is the power?
    Why is it there?
    Why isn’t it somewhere else?

  8. haiku bob says:

    Great stuff er.
    Now email it to the club.
    Cheers,
    HB.

  9. Better still, have a crack at the Board ER.

    Off with their ‘Eds!

  10. E.r.- maybe my sense of cynicism is growing, but life and especially sport is providing increasing opportunities for satire, such as this fine piece.

    Reminds me, I must drag out my well-thumbed copy of The Club.

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