FACT: six West Coast Eagles were in the top 50 for ‘Frees for’ in 2012. FACT: a West Coast Eagle was number 1 on that list. FACT: not one Footscray player made that list! FACT: umpires are corruptible. FACT: therapies for crippling persecution complexes don’t always work. FACT: in my case it did!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Question: what’s the best way to appreciate umpires? Answer: in a closet.
Pick the odd one out:
“Play on,” “All clear,” “Not fifteen,” “Knock it out,” “Move it on,” “Advantage,” “Mine,” “In danger,” “Throw,” “Too far,” “Blood rule,” Nickelback.
Can’t pick it? You’re right, there is no odd one out: they’re all weak-arsed
Game fact 1 (late third quarter): after throwing my head back in dismay over another hometown decision, I spat, “Shit, the frees are 2 to 1 their way.” My mate checked his iphone, and what do you know, it was exactly 18-9 in West Coast’s favour. How about that?
If you lynched an umpire in a forest and nobody was there to hear it, did his whistle make a sound?
On the game 1: Liam Jones was magnificent for Footscray. He took numerable hangers and kicked goalward assuredly. His growth this year has been such that he’s like a plant fertilized with Sealsol© (Note WADA: that was an analogy; we don’t actually use Sealsol© at the Western Oval. Then again, the way we’ve looked green around the gills in making clanger after clanger this year, maybe Sealsol’s© our idea of peptides???)
On the game 2: Josh Kennedy – who, just like his teammates, benefited all day from outrageously favourable umpiring! – now rivals Bob Willis for having one of the wackiest rituals in sport. His stuttering kicking style has all the grace of a just born Wildebeest calf struggling to find its feet. My mates and I wondered whether the series of broken steps that stammer his shots for goal cripple him in other ways. I mean, having a leg stammer has got to be debilitating on the dance floor, doesn’t it? Or double clutching when driving a big rig? And what about when he’s strutting his stuff at a Roller disco? Like there’s no way that leg impediment is gonna keep him boogying on his skates!
Curiosity number 1: During the last quarter, we somehow stumbled upon why there is an Upper and Lower Ferntree Gully. What’s so special about Ferntree Gully that they can’t have a North, South or East Ferntree Gully? Is it a geographical distinction or a socio-economic one? Are they just being pretentious? What’s going on non-central Ferntree Gullyites? Why not good ole’ North, South, East or West? Or Lakes, Rivers or Heights?! An explanation would be redeeming.
Umpires 1: on this umpy appreciation round business, get the goal umps back in their butcher coats and I’ll consider it; like, that fluorescent gear they wear is so weak-arsed and pissy it’s not deserving of anything. Further, before I can appreciate, I first need to forgive. Indeed, before we have an appreciation round there ought to be a 12-step program. First a confession from their end, then penal servitude, then reparations, then compensation, then atonement, then a reinstatement of diplomatic ties, then an explanation for that West Coast centric free kick table, then an apology for costing Chris Grant a Brownlow, then a lengthy ‘What’s your decision’ segment for the million and one dodgy frees against Footscray, then ….
On the game 3: Jake Stringer’s miraculous goal in the first quarter bore a laconic reaction from the 2012 number 5 pick. I liked it. It meant the miraculous is commonplace for him.
True or false 1: Umpire appreciation round was Phil Carmen’s brainchild.
True of false 2: Ronnie Andrews almost choked on his weetbix when Phil called him about it.
A Gigs type moment: WEST COAST EAGLES is an anagram of SNORT COKE NOSTRILS*
Curiosity number 2: My 5 most hated clubs don’t include Carlton and Collingwood. When explaining why I don’t hate them during this match, I stated, “I have a soft spot for Carlton coz they stymied Collingwood in all them Grand finals during the 70’s and I don’t hate Collingwood coz since hating them in the 70’s I began to feel sorry for them being stymied in all them grand finals.’ (I tell ya, living in my head is hard!)
Umpires 2: during the 3rd Quarter, I got into a heated discussion with my mates over an umpiring decision that they thought had cruelled us. For a good 10 minutes they were at my throat over my defense of what I thought was a reasonable decision. In refection fellas, the next time I have a lapse like this, organize an exorcism or something. Like, defending umpires???? I must have been possessed or something.
Curiosity number 3: when musing that this seasons bearded look is all related to players trying to ape their rock star heroes, my mates quipped that their rock star heroes have already moved on to a new look and that all these Ned Kelly wannabees are 2 steps behind. Irrespective of whether they’re right or wrong, being 2 steps behind doesn’t explain Dustin Martin’s haircut, does it? Like, Dustin’s is more like a couple thousand fashion cycles behind!
On the game 4: looking on forlornly as West Coast tore us a new one, my mates and I cast one eye on where we’ll finish up this year and the corollary question about our order in the draft. We decided that GSW would finish lower than us but only because we are fitter. Fiendish as they are, my mates then mused that in order to finish lower than GWS, we need to stymie our players fitness from here on. It was agreed that if Footscray was any good at tanking, Four and Twenty products should be served up on games days hereon. As for midweek training going forward, it should begin with a sit down meal at McDonalds, rounded off with the chain smoking of Winnie Blues in a poorly ventilated room. Failing that, we should then follow the Melbourne model.
West Coast 21.11 (137)
Footscray 10.7 (67)
West Coast: Darling 5, Cox 4, Kennedy 4, LeCras 3, Shuey 2, Masten, Hill,
Footscray: Smith 2, Cooney, Addison, Macrae, Stringer, Tutt, Jones, Wallis,
West Coast: Shuey, S Selwood, Masten, Cox, Darling.
Footscray: Jones, Boyd, Cooney, Minson, Smith.
Umpires: J Shameful, J Appalling, J Corrupt
Official crowd: 35 odd thousand zealots
Our Votes: 3 Shuey 2 Selwood 1 Masten