AFL Round 2 – Richmond v Carlton: The People’s Elbow – A Chronicle of the Extraordinary Adventures of Bryce Gibbs’ Testicles

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“And while we’re on gene-carrying duffle bags, Bryce Gibbs finally emerged from a seven-year cocoon as a butterfly with a big set of hairy testicles.” The People’s Elbow, September 9, 2014

NINETY-TWO YEARS ago, the Fort-Worth Star Telegram reported on “an aged millionaire who is alleged to have paid $100,000 for a pair of stolen glands, on the eve of his marriage to a woman, 25, he being 68 and badly wasted as to health and vitality.”

It was what appeared to be the start of something of a trend, in which poor young men were selling their balls so they could be grafted onto the scrota of rich old men.

Bryce Gibbs is not a poor young man, but the only way to explain his lack of what would otherwise resemble an effort last night against Richmond is that at some stage during the pre-season, he sold his junk to Dr. Geoffrey Edelsten (who may have had a question or two in regards to his virility following his divorce to wife Brynne).

Were this theory to be true (and it wouldn’t be the first decision made at the club at the behest of its various sugar daddies), Bryce’s career at Carlton and Edelsten’s recent declaration of bankruptcy would suggest he paid massive overs.

In many ways, I hope this absurd theory is true. The least not being that if Bryce Gibbs’ continues to play the way he did on Thursday night, his value as a free agent is likely to fall to the extent that he may not be able to maintain a fashion mogul lifestyle on a park footballer’s salary.

Until then, he will remain Carlton’s greatest living scapegoat.

To suggest that Carlton’s problems begin and end with Bryce Gibbs, however, is somewhat a misnomer.

It was mentioned on the pages of the Almanac earlier this week, that David Parkin is donating his brain to science. It would’ve been nice if he’d have donated it to Mitch Robinson.

It is not beyond the realms of possibility that Mitch is the young man who posted pictures of his three testicles on the social networking service Reddit earlier this week. But while he may be blessed with a little more than the rest of us in terms of courage, it comes at the expense of anything approaching a footballing IQ that exceeds room temperature (an IQ similar to those sucked in by Tyrone Vickery’s four goals last night).

These are two of the three main attractions in your Carlton Football Club Menagerie. Over here, we have the half-back-flankers, represented by a bunch of neutered cats playing on a picnic rug. And over here we have your crash-and-bash midfielders, represented by a backyard full of rabid dogs. And over here we have a forward line represented by a stable of cross-eyed mules who cannot kick straight. Now, if you’re watching this at home on Animal Planet, you will note that three don’t make for pleasant viewing. Which last night was most certainly not.

It is only round two, but it was three players each playing only their second game for the club that lend the greatest weight to a further list overhaul — Dylan Buckley, Daisy Thomas and Andrejs Everitt.

Unfortunately, ten years of malfeasance in the capacious boardroom at Royal Parade suggests that the club doesn’t have the balls for it.

 

 

 

 

About The People's Elbow

I'm just trying to make a difference in people's lives - get off my sack.

Comments

  1. Litza it was a very entertaining game for the non-supporters. Deep into the last quarter I couldn’t hear the commentators because of the raucous sounds of choking coming out of both camps. Just when we thought the mighty Tigers couldn’t choke any harder, the Blues out did them!

    Though I do write these words with the firm memory of the Cats giving up a 52 point lead to Brissy last season.

  2. Malcolm Ashwood says:

    Entertaining as always Litza , did Indian bookmakers get to both sides ? What a Barry crocker of a game

  3. I must say – very restrained today. But nevertheless enjoyable to read despite the subject matter.

  4. John Butler says:

    You’ve lost your edge Elbow.

    That effort deserves the Full Spittle Symphony.

    Go hard or go home.

    Signed, Grrrrrr of Ballarat

  5. Fk that, JB.

    If those lazy fks aren’t going to put in an effort, why should I?

  6. Sean Gorman says:

    There you go I said it would be [redacted] good. [Redacted] yeah Litz.

  7. mickey randall says:

    Arise, Sir Bryce of Princes Park?

  8. I only caught the last 5 minutes and I thought I was still watching the Melbourne Comedy Festival Opening Gala.

  9. Litza,

    Speaking of balls, maybe Sticks should have called Wesley Warren Jnr and asked if he would donate his infamous 10 stone set before his untimely passing…….

  10. Litza – I reckon you are making a whipping boy of young Bryce. I thought J Garlett in his 100th outing (101 for Preston Bullants?) pulled more clangers than I have seen from any league footballer in one game. Warnock’s were qualitatively worse, but he and Gibbs get the ball so little it doesn’t stand out as much.
    My theory is that Jeffrey is so quick that when he gets the ball, his legs and torso take off at the speed of sound, leaving his head lagging in the wake of the sonic boom (or was that Carlton fans screaming ‘you idiot’?)
    There is a family 2fer deal on Perth flights at the moment. Dayle needs a chaperone, and they would fit back into Swan Districts ideally.

  11. Barb smith says:

    God help us Carlton! The last ten years have been a TOTAL WASTE!!!
    However I am stuck between a rock and a hard place; I love Carlton but I adore Litza’s articles WHEN WE LOSE.
    Bipolar Barb

  12. Phil Dimitriadis says:

    Litza,
    surely it’s time for Cameron Wood to come in and turn the fortunes around…before its too late. I can’t believe Warnock actually gets paid for that shit. That was abominable.

  13. That big bloke in West Coast’s forward line would be handy now…

  14. Neil Belford says:

    So are Richmond and Carlton only part of the Melbourne Comedy Festival when they play each other or will they carry on with the work against other teams until the festival is over. Either way it was very ‘Renaissance’ of them to be able to contribute this unique cross genre performance.

  15. Arty O'Bryan says:

    Bryce could be a modern day Farinelli, the boy whose testicles were removed so he could sing opera like a girl. Striking parallel here. Firstly, Farinelli was a right-footer, a primadonna with a rock star attitude, a fondness for bedding anyone he could get his hands on and a love of money and wealth…pretty sure his life ended prematurely and badly. Bryce is a Nick Dal Santo in navy Blue and great trade bait for a genuine key forward.

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