THE WRAP – ROUND XVII – THE DAY OF INFAMY ROUND
WHERE LIFE IMITATES FOOTBALL
What a round it’s been in Footy, Wrappers. On Friday we saw The Old Dark Paper Blues imbibe a healthy dose of Shinboner Spirit, yet still manage to wobble off the field with the Four Points. The Mayblooms, with an eye on September, did what they had to do. The Bombers, with signs of strain starting to show, were even less impressive in their 6-goal win against the lowly Breakfast Pointers. The Suns shone brightly on their Old Carrara Home as they caught The Maggies basking in the glory of their own press releases. The Roy Boys made a meal of keeping Melbourne’s Coveted Sylvan Shield hopes alive, and The Feeling Faints fell just short of blowing theirs against Port.
Come Sunday and it was The Tigers Of Old who came to play as they put in probably the most even game of their season to date. Over in the City of Churches The Sleepy Hollow Millionaires aptly demonstrated that they can cough up a six goal lead anywhere and anytime they set their minds to it. While over in Perth, The Bloods became the 6th team this season to broach the walls of Fortress Subiaco. (In fact Freo have done it twice – Ed)
Travel light and ride good horses indeed. What do you make of it all Wrappers?
I would just like to make a point about the rules and I suggest following on from Pavlich’s reporting, that in future any player under 185cm must get out of the way of a player over 195cm and also a weight restriction could be brought in. Or certain big blokes have a man with a white flag running in front of them. Good gracious, they’ve already banned some breeds of dogs. Next they’ll be going back to having someone walking in front high performance cars with a red flag – cars such as Alfas.
To Buddy or not to Buddy – that is the question, to some extent, bothering The Hawks. But could it be like The Tiges and RICHO? Their forward line functions better now without THE BIG FELLA than it did with him. Let’s see where the benefits lie here, eh? Buddy certainly won’t hurt them much training out of Breakfast Point – ?. They get a first round draft pick for him – ?. It takes the pressure off their salary cap – ?. True, there’ll be a lot Gen Xs & Gen Ys schlepping around in the GoldenBrown who will have to change the numbers on their duffle coats and their Glenferrie Road sleeveless strips, but hey, the Club comes first. The irony is that Buddy might twig that he’s got enough as it is, and has worked out that Breakfast Point is halfway between Oblivion Junction and Nowhwere.
The Saggy Green once more capitulated. Claims that it is the worst team ever sent across the waters is probably disputable. The Packer Raid left the Baggy Green ranks looking pretty thin. But even then we put up a decent scrap. There’s obviously some sort of catfight going on in the dressing room and across the bloggersphere. Sorting out whose hair ribbon is whose has to be their first priority. The second is to learn as much about this crop of Two & Froms. And the third is to get the head down over the bat.
Spare a Thought Department. Adam Scott missed out on the Claret Jug, but still pocketed nearly half a mill. And Cadel may have ridden his last Tour de France. He looked totally wrung out setting off for Paris. And he may have to work at what he’s going to do with the rest of his life, but he’ll never have to work again.
But enough of my gabbin’. Let’s see who is going to be seen to careen after Round XVII.
The Miseries v The Funnyboners. What makes Our Great Game so great? Matches like Friday night, that’s what. If you’d taken your cousin from Mannheim to the match he would have seen more goals in the first 30 minutes than he’d see in a full round of the Bundesliga. The Shinboners had this one sown up, if they’d made the most of their opportunities early. And if anyone tells us that Judd is really trying we’d suggest they check out the tape of the first half of this contest. He lifted in the 2nd half and The Blues turned the match on its head, only for the Kangas to throw everything at them bar the Gasometer. And just when you needed Boomer to snap a trademark goal, he overruns a bad bounce and the opportunity is lost. (You’re too kind Wrap – Ed) Which is something The Hon Edward C Betts did – create a trademark running goal and snap one himself. The Shinboners can start getting ready for Season 2014. They have The Dees on the Shifting Sands next round at the traditional time. The Silvertails stay in touch and can sit back & wait for the wildcard entry to September should The Flying Syringes have their 476 work visa withdrawn. They follow Carringbush’s little number up at the Metricon for the early Saturday start.
The Mighty Fighting Hawks v The Kennel Coughs. The Launceston Hawks might feel a bit dudded. Once the Festivale winds up in February there’s not much to get excited about down there in Lonny till the Maybloom Brothers’ Circus comes to town. Imaging the faces of the kiddies when they find out that there’s no elephant, no lions & tigers, the clowns walk off in the middle of their final act. On top of that, that the fairy floss is gluten-free . We’d want our money back. Wouldn’t you? Maybe the Circus is saving up for star billing on Friday night against 2nd placed Essendon. The Doggies stayed – sort of – within striking distance of The Mustard Pots all day, but any semblance of being dangerous was an illusion. They host The West Coast in the middle match under cover next Sunday.
GWS v The Bombers. The Dons have got a lot on their minds at the moment. Now that President For Life Rudd has stopped the boats and axed the tax, the Mad Abbott has run out of slogans. His campaign manager has suggested Dump The Dons as a fall back position. It will certainly be a vote winner up in those states where they drag their knuckles along the ground in order to maintain an upright posture. They won, and that’s all that’s required of them at this stage, although some SOTG may suggest that a percentage booster went begging. They have Traditional Rivals & Blood Enemies for the Pipeopener to Round XVIII. The Orangemen have The Pies OTR on The People’s Ground in the gathering gloom.
The Metermaids v Carringbush. Da-dum. Da-dum. Da-dum. Da-dum Just when you thought it was safe to get back on the Carringbush Bandwagon ……. Look, honestly, if you led at the 1st three changes, you’d not only be expected to be leading at the bell, you’d be bitterly disappointed if you weren’t. Inspired by a 39-possession game by The Little Master, the Sun Warriors hung their first serious scalp from their lodge pole. (Will you please stop calling him The Little Master Wrap? He’s a whisker under six foot and well over 13 and a half stone – Ed) this was a black day for Carringbush, make no mistake. To be perfectly honest, they didn’t look like they wanted to be there. Maybe they suffered jet lag. It’s been suggested that waiting at the lights to cross Olympic Boulevard to get to the G on match days tires them something shocking. They call it Lexus-lag around at Victoria Park. They’ll need to sort it out pretty smartly; they’ve got GWS next Saturday for the twilight match. (They are they back at the MCG Wrap; I think you should point that out – Ed) The Sunbeams have another crack at one of the Big Four next Saturday: Caaaarlton.
The Fuchsias v The Boys From Old Fitzroy. Can you work out this Brisbane team Boss Voss has got in tow? They took the Kiss Of Death Cup convincingly and they rolled The Cats up there with a come from behind win and embarrassed The Dons down here. Then they had to work hard all day to overcome The Recalcitrant Redlegs over the weekend. They travel again next Sunday for the early one against The Power over in the shadows of Mt Lofty. The Fuchsias stay where they are to host The Northerners at the traditional time.
The Feeling Faints v The Power From Port. Port used up one of their get Out of Gaol Free cards on the weekend. They were already on their way to the bank with the Four Points when The Seagulls swooped. Seven goals down, they built the pressure in a way that first un-nerved The Tealers, then unravelled them. In a finish that had all the drama and theatre that makes OGG so great, Port fell over the line after some individual heroics. But in the end, loss of momentum notwithstanding, The Power hung tough. And not for the first time this season, either. They’re back in the Eight and with The Maroons for the early one on Sunday, get a chance to consolidate that position. The Seagulls stay in sight of The Bay. They swoop across to the Geelong Arm to squabble with The Handbags for the discarded chips and rolls on Saturday night.
Struggletown v The Purple Haze. As you wander through Jollimont Park and pass the statue of the Late Great Living Legend Captain Blood you’ll notice a little note blue-tacked just above the heart of this bronzed icon. It’s on a piece of paper torn from a kid’s exercise book. On it, in upper case letters, is scrawled one word. RESPECT. And before any one of you SOTG reach for your Logitech cordless keyboards, yes, Pavlich, McPharlin, Sandilands & Ballantyne were out. But you can only beat who they send to play you. And this opposition boasted an elite midfield – one being spoken of as the best going around this season – an elite midfield that The Tigers convincingly blanketed. And don’t you worry, this wasn’t a matter of catching The Dockers on a bad day. They mounted several Purple Surges, which The Tigers repelled and answered on their way to a Season Defining Victory. Only some wayward – some might say selfish – shots on goal when the Tiges had complete control of the match prevented the margin biggest of the round. (You talking about Dusty Martin here Wrap? – Ed) As it was, the Richmond defence, led by Rance, Chapman & Newman, held The Stevedores to the lowest score of the round. In fact, the main reason for resurgence of The Endangered Species this season has been the tightening of the previously porous defence with the addition of Petterd & Chapman and the coaching of Ross Smith. They can lay claim to the 3rd most efficient defence in The Competition. They are up to Moore Park Road next Sunday to close off proceedings for Round XVIII against TRP. The Anchormen are back home to turn off the hot water in the Visitors’ Rooms when they host The Free Settlers on Saturday night.
The City of Light v The Little City at The Bottom of The Bay. We haven’t been counting. Have you? It looks as though the Corio Kittens have used up their nine lives for Season 2013. But more worrying still for Cat Lovers around the Globe, and there are plenty of them, would have to be that old disorder of The Pussies: SHM Syndrome. More deadly than SARS, more ubiquitous than bird flu, even faster than a trapdoor bite, the last SHM outbreak at Catland struck in late September 2008. This most recent occurrence, in Adelaide, following the one in Brisbane a month earlier, suggests an association with travel, which would make a trip across the Nullarbor in Round XXI a harrowing experience, and a trip the Harbour City in September potentially fatal. They return to Simonds Stadium next Saturday night to welcome their old sparring partner late of Moorabbin & The Junction Oval, now of Eel Race Road Seaford. The Pride of South Australia has the daunting trip across the Nullarbor to take on The Barry Crockers OTR at the same time.
The Screaming Eagles v The Sydney Swans. The Swans won this one at their leisure. Led by Dan Hannebery – with 40 touches – they won as they wished. This must be particularly galling for all those Weagles Faithful who get to the ground early to watch Eddie The Eagles swoop down from the roof of the stand and do a few star turns for the punters. But not nearly as galling as it must be for Eddie. You see, they’ve only honour Eddie’s regal presence twice all season. They’re off on the wallaby next Sunday to take their chances with the Western Schnauzers under The Dome.
And remember, if you read it in the Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.
There’s a few of us going through dark moments right now. Up in Canberra, they are approaching the Finals in one of the most remarkable seasons we’ve experienced in a long time. Oblivion as a footnote of History awaits the loser. In another league altogether, we are surrounded by dark moments as the season draws inexorably to its finality. No need for names; you know who you are. These quotes are for you.
The darkest moments of our lives are not to be buried and forgotten, rather they are a memory to be called upon for inspiration to remind us of the unrelenting human spirit and our capacity to overcome the intolerable – Vince Lombardi – the legendary Green Bay Packers coach.
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man – George Bernard Shaw
Excellence is an act won by training and habituation. We do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence, but rather we have those because we have acted rightly. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act but a habit – Aristotle
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig – Paul Dickson
It’s been a truly harrowing week and round for so many, why don’t we see how our Cousins Across The Sea are making out.
The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
“Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”
“Well, Paddy,” Sarkozy replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”
“Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!”
Sarkozy paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”
“Begoora!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back.”
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. “Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!”
“And what equipment would that be Paddy?” Sarkozy asks.
“Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”
Sarkozy sighs amused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.”
“Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. “Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!”
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!”
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “I will have to ring you back.”
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. “Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.”
“Really? I am sorry to hear that,” says Sarkozy. “Why the sudden change of heart?”
“Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin’ way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.
And in the name of balance, one from our Hebrew cousins.
The census taker comes to the Goldman house. ?“Does Louis Goldman live here?” he asks.
?“No,” replies Goldman.
?“Well, then, what is your name?” asks the census taker.
“Louis Goldman,” relies Goldman?
“Wait a minute — didn’t you just tell me that Louis Goldman doesn’t live here?”
?“Aha,” says Goldman. “You call this living?”
Boom! Boom! Now we can all get some sleep.