Adam Voges seeks advice from Steve Bradbury …

[Steve Bradbury’s phone rings] “Bradbury speaking.”

“Steve, it’s Adam Voges here.”

[Brabury smiles]  “I’ve been expecting your call.”

“You have?”

“Uh-huh. I caught the news of your retirement the other day. Been keepin’ an eye out for it ever since your axing. Knew you might need a bit of guidance.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, and you wouldn’t be the first either. I had Eric the Eel chasin’ me after the 2000 Olympics. Boy did he struggle with this sort of celebrity.”

“Hmm”

“So let me guess Adam; you’re doin’ it hard suffering the snickering?”

[Voges sighs] “It’s everywhere I go. I can’t go to the supermarket, I can’t fill up at the bowser. Everywhere people are lookin’ at me with laughing eyes.”

[Bradbury also sighs.] “Mate, I still have nightmares over restrained laughter; that’s the worst, mate, the worst.”

“Tell me about it. I mean, I used to be a hero over here in the west. Now people look at me like I was busted renting porn. In fact, its worse – they look at me like I’m bloody you!”

“Yeah I thought they would. That’s why I’ve been expecting your call.”

“Well blimey, what am I gonna do? I mean, it’s not like I stole second place under Bradman. I just did the best I could and got lucky with a purple patch and now all these ars#holes begrudge me.”

[Bradbury mulls.] “Look Adam, the best thing to do is own it. You know you’re not deserving of second place and you need to show the world that. If you just sit pretty, it’s like you’re smug that you’ve got away with it. So here’s what we’re gonna do …”

[Bradbury walks him through a plan involving this and that, before Voges abruptly pulls him up.]

 “You want me to go on ‘I’m a celebrity?!’ Jesus, that’s not my thing!”

“Look mate, you go on and laugh at yourself the way I laughed at myself, and the public will not only forgive you, they’ll love ya.”

[Voges is exasperated.] “But I’m not colourful like Warnie. I just wanted to be the best I could and then settle into obscurity.”

“Well unfortunately mate, your gluttony last summer threw a spanner in that. You got yourself into a real pickle by hogging them runs. You do that, you gotta to back it up when it’s tough.”

[Voges looks into the distance]

“Look, you go on, you laugh at yourself, then all’s forgiven. Easy lemon squeezy. I mean, look at me – if I hadn’t, I’d be the biggest joke in sport. But because I did, that made it alright. In fact, people now respect me more than ever. Sh#t [laughs] they respect me more for owning dumb luck than they ever did as a skater.”

[Voges continues to look into the distance] 

[Bradury patiently] “It really won’t be that bad, Adam. And think of all the doors it’ll open. You’ll have advertisers coming at you with all sorts of stuff playing on your humility. They’ll be falling over themselves to construct ways to sell around your unworthiness. ‘I might be second to the Don, but I’m never second using Ampol,’ they’ll script. Or, ‘Sitting under the Don is a nice feelin’, but not nearly as nice as a night at the Sheraton.’ See?”

[Voges still looking into the distance]

“And the thing is Adam, you have no choice. If you don’t go with it, you come out looking like a t#rd. I mean they’re already slagging you on sports sites, yeah? Well that’ll only get worse if you bunker down. The bud’s gotta be nipped now or it’ll soon be a trunk.”

[Voges is still silent.]

So that’s my advice mate. Face the music, own it, and then reap the rewards. Because if you don’t, you’ll become a bigger joke than I was. And as much as they say ‘Did a Bradbury’, they’ll say ‘a Voges’. But with yours, it’ll be with poison in their veins, while brandishing a Wisdon (sic). Or whatever it is you call them almanacs?”

[Voges is still silent.]

“So you see you have no choice; you’ve got to go to the jungle.”

[Voges is resigned.] “Yeah I guess I don’t.”

[Bradbury rubs his hands sinisterly] “Good man, good man. Okay gotta run. We’ll speak soon.”

“Yep see ya. And thanks.”[Voges hangs up]

[Bradbury then engages a number on his speed dial] “Steve here. Look, you’re not gonna believe it; he called. Just as you anticipated. And it all went just as you said …

“What’s that? …  Next year’s show? … Mate, he’s a lock. I tell ya, I’ve got him so salty, he’ll be the first to parachute in. …

“They don’t parachute in? …

“Okay, well however the f#ck they get there, he’ll be the first. But listen, I’m just amazed it worked exactly how you said. I mean, is this how you get all your celebrities? …

“It is? …

“What, you set a trap like this for Warnie? … and Freddie too?

“Wow, incredible!

“Oh – you’ve gotta fly? … Yeah no problem … And you know where to send my fee, right? … Good.

“Yeah mate, it was great playing the shill… Did better than I thought I would…

“And can I ask, what about having me on the show? …

“Do something about the haircut and the eyebrows? … Okay I’ll work on the haircut and the eyebrows …

“Cheers.”

 

About Punxsutawney Pete

Punxsutawney Pete see’s a shadow: twelve more months of winter

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