With the release of the ASADA interim report Channel Seven offered another insightful panel show to bring clarity to a messy situation. I found it so fascinating I wanted to share a transcript of the program to enlighten all of our readers, especially our beleaguered Bombers supporters:
BRUCE: Welcome to a Channel Seven Special AFL report. I have with me a group of middle aged men lounging in comfortable chairs and calling themselves experts for a remuneration. So the specifics of what happened is that something almost happened today, but didn’t. If something does happen we’ll get straight to it after we can confirm that nothing happened. I’ll start by asking Tim. Tim, were you shocked by what almost happened?
TIM: Can I just say Bruce If a decision had been made the players would feel vindicated, however, as you know Bruce I’m completely conflicted, so I can’t say anything.
BRUCE: But if you were allowed to say something you would?
TIM: Absolutely. Definitely Bruce. If something happened that would allow me to say something, I certainly would. But I can’t.
BRUCE: So just confirming nothing has happened, but something might. We now cross to Jimmy Scoop at AFL house.
JIMMY: Bruce, a high ranking AFL official just walked by me and almost said something.
BRUCE: He almost said something?
JIMMY: Yes Bruce, I’m sure he was going to say something. In fact his mouth did open and I thought he was going to say something, but he didn’t. He may have just been breathing, but my reporter’s gut instinct tells me he wanted to say something. In fact, he ended up just walking past me.
BRUCE: Saying nothing then?
JIMMY: No Bruce, not nothing, almost something.
BRUCE: Fascinating. We’ve got AFL legend Leigh here for his insights. What do you think Leigh?
LEIGH: Well Bruce, as far as I could see nothing has happened.
BRUCE: But something could happen?
LEIGH: Anything’s possible I guess.
BRUCE: What about what happened in Brisbane today?
LEIGH: Well something definitely did happen in Brisbane today.
BRUCE: What happened Leigh?
LEIGH: I don’t know Bruce, I’m no longer connected with the club, so I don’t know what happened.
BRUCE: Fascinating, thanks Leigh. AFL data expert Dr Exposition how do you see the situation?
DR EXPOSITION: Through glasses Bruce, I’ve been wearing them since I was five.
BRUCE: That’s tremendous Doctor. What have you found?
DR EXPOSITION: Bruce, we’ve gathered data over an indeterminate period and can confirm that nothing didn’t happened, but that something definitely almost did happen. However there is no evidence to determine anything has happened.
BRUCE: What do you see happening tomorrow?
DR EXPOSITION: Completely different from today. Statistically speaking, we’ll definitely probably almost certainly see something almost happen tomorrow.
BRUCE: So you can confirm tomorrow?
DR EXPOSITION: No I can’t confirm tomorrow, because it will be today.
BRUCE: Thanks doctor. So just recapping; what almost didn’t happen, but could happen at any moment, nearly did happen. Next up I’ll say “Buddy” seventeen times to keep the viewers interested.