A late change in the Easter Monday blockbuster between the Jerusalem Christians and Damascus Eagles

Sunday 31 March 33

In a shock move that has sent betting markets into a frenzy, Jerusalem club officials have declared that their talismanic centre half forward, Jesus, will make a shock return to the Easter Monday side to face the Damascus Eagles at home.

Jesus, a father-son pick in the AD 30 draft, has passed a fitness test after he was declared “absolutely no chance to play” last Friday by club doctors.

The team’s on-field spiritual leader will line up in the forward line in what has already been a tumultuous year.

Jesus’s performances for the Christians have turned this perennial cellar dweller to a premiership contender this year. After years of being in the wilderness and having their season set back by their maulings at the hands of the Lions in their traditional round 1 clash, the club has been transformed from one that commentator Flip Wilson once said “had a great coach but a lousy team”, to a genuine contender in season AD 33.

Jesus’s return to the side, having not even been listed as an emergency after last Friday’s declaration, sees Brian Cohen, previously promoted from the rookie list, back to wearing the substitute’s vest. Judas has been dropped, having been sensationally delisted by the club in a shock move last Friday, having “lost the confidence of the playing group” according to club officials.

Damascus is also strengthened by the return of their captain and enforcer Barrabas, who took an early plea last Friday at the Tribunal, with Chairman Pilate releasing him for Monday’s game. It is expected they’ll double team Jesus, with their coach being quoted as saying ‘we also have to curb Jesus’s work off the ball, he moves in mysterious ways”

Jerusalem’s build up to the game had been distracted by the announcement from Dale “Doubting” Thomas that he’d be putting off contract renegotiations until the send of the season, with the Greater Judea Giants set to make an attractive offer.

There had also been the ongoing investigations haunting the club, with the League looking into how the club in season 32 managed to spread the mandatory 5 loaves and 2 fishes cap for football department spending so far, and rumours of players being recruited to the club with promises of guaranteed access to heaven after they retire, which breaches the League’s third party payment rules.

However, the return of on-baller Lazarus, who has made a miraculous recovery from what looked like a career-ending injury, will please the club’s growing band of supporters. At yesterday’s media conference, Lazarus said he hoped to repay Jesus for his part in getting him back into the side, and that he was sure Jesus would “nail a few for us, after being crucified in the past”

There is still a view amongst many Scribes and Pharisees that the Christians are too Jesus focussed, and his return could be a distraction. He famously angered club officials three years ago when he attended his own pre-season altitude training camp for 40 days and 40 nights in the desert rather than leaving with the rest of the team for Colorado.

Praised as a club legend after last week’s Palm Sunday game, (with the club president saying he had “a job for life”) he had been rumoured to have been arrested last Thursday evening at the Garden of Gethsemane nightclub after a earlier bonding dinner with teammates. There are also rumours that it was this dinner that led to the falling out between Judas and his teammates.

Recruited from the Ovens and Galilee league, and with some confusion over his date of birth, Jesus has always been a central figure in the Christian’s forward line set up. His return for next Monday’s game is another interesting chapter in his turbulent career.

Finally, the Christians will wear a new one-off strip for the match, in light blue, after signing a deal with a new chocolate manufacturer. Free chocolates will be distributed to all kids under 14 attending the game in what the club and sponsor hope will become “an Easter tradition”.

About Sean Curtain

"He was born with a gift of laughter, and a sense that the world was mad". First line of 'Scaramouche' by Sabatini, always liked that.

Comments

  1. Sean, there was talk of Methuselah playing on this season, his 442nd. Is that true, or a dirty biblical rumour ?

    Glen!

  2. Sources are telling me that despite zealously persecuting the Christians and seemingly on the road to Damascus, Saul is in talks to play for the Christians.

  3. PeterSchumacher says:

    As a practicing Lutheran who if he practices enough might even make the grade I found this to be the best satire that I read in ages. One query though, I always thought that Jesus would actually be playing full back feor the Jerusalem Jews against the Roman Ratbags owing to his amazing ability to be sen and then not seen thus throwing the Ratbags into total confusion. Still, obviously your inspired sources have a better understanding of what is really going on.

  4. PeterSchumacher says:

    “seen and not seen”

  5. PeterSchumacher says:

    I think that some editing and indeed an rework of my previous effort is in order, thus;

    “As a practicing Lutheran who if he practices enough might even make the grade I found this to be the best satire that I have read in ages. One query though, I always thought that Jesus would be playing full back for the Jerusalem Jews against the Roman Ratbags rather than against the opposition that you suggest owing to rivalry always evident between these two sides. His apparent ability to be seen and then not seen would of course confuse any team but against the Ratbags this would especially satisfying given that they had tried to have put out of the game on trumped up charges. Still, obviously your inspired sources have a better handle on what is really happening”.

  6. Greater Judea Giants!

    Choc full of great lines again, Sean. Keep em coming

  7. Bloody funny and bloody clever. Your best yet, Sean.
    Any chance of helping get my Eagles to rise from the dead? They wouldn’t give a yelp if you put 10,000 volts through them, based on the Dockers and Magpies games so far this year. Old and slow. Or young and slow.
    But I see a Black Messiah coming.
    Cheers.

  8. Earl O'Neill says:

    Great stuff!

  9. kath presdee says:

    I note there’s nothing there about an off-field incident where firebrand Simon “Rock” Peter supposedly had an altercation with a High Priest’s fan,resulting in the fan needing treatment for an ear injury. Incident happened at after hours venue “The Garden of Gethsemene”

    Typical MSM conspiracy. Since Rock is rumoured to be Captain of the Christians when Jesus hangs up his boots, we hear nothing about this. Just three reports of denials from sources! And stories about the Sydney Roosters’ success.

  10. Peter Fuller says:

    Kath,
    I thought that it was Rock himself who proffered the three denials, and so that report may be no more credible than was Heath Shaw’s or Alan Didak’s denials after a night out at the Geebung Polo Club.
    As for the original, well played, Sean, fine post that!

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