A few (twisted) words about Australia’s team to play NZ

 

by Andrew Gigacz

By this time tomorrow at least three, and possibly four, players will have made their Test debut for Australia. Dave Warner will complete his transformation from being a two-hour player to a five-day cricketer, and at least two of James Pattinson, Mitchell Starc and Ben Cutting will form part of the Australian attack. There are those who would like to see Cutting get the nod, because the Test will be played on his home ‘Gabba wicket.
 
I’d like to see Cutting get a run too, for what I see as a far more important reason: using his name in cricket commentary and banter. Vital questions about this man demand an answer:
 

  • When he’s batting, would you rather see cutting hooking or Cutting cutting?
  • If Cutting is dismissed cutting, will there be calls for Cutting to be cutting out cutting?
  • And if that does happen, can we expect the fiery fast bowler to angrily retort? If so, perhaps we might get a post-cutting Cutting cutting remark.

 
Mitchell Starc, on the other hand, is an anagram of ITCH, SMELL, CART. I like that but, really, what does it have to do with cricket?
 
James Pattinson is probably deserving of a Test cap (he’s a Victorian after all) but I’m worried that he might have a cap and no trousers, given that he is an anagram of OMIT JEANS, PANTS.
 
Peter Siddle won’t miss out. Mickey Arthur has already said that he’ll be leading the attack because the bowling stocks are “DEPLETED SIR”.
 
Perhaps the selectors will go with four quicks at the ‘Gabba, in which case we might see NATHAN LYON around for five days doing not much.
 
I should be gushing about the selection of Dave Warner, an anagram of RAVE, ANDREW but I wonder if he has the temperament that will help him win Australia’s batting average trophy. The other anagram of his name – “AWARD? NEVER!” – suggests not.
 
Meanwhile, Usman Khawaja is an anagram of AHA! UNMASK JAW, which makes me wonder if he might be susceptible to short-pitched bowling. Phillip Hughes certainly seems to be. Most bowlers are now onto the fact that they should target his hip and put in a leg slip. Phillip Hughes? Yep, he’s an anagram of HIP, LEG SLIP, HUH?
 
And what about Ricky T Ponting? How long until the Australian selectors TRY NOT PICKING him?
 
Whenever Michael Hussey seems on the verge of being dropped, he finds a way to USE HIS ALCHEMY to create a magic innings.
 
As for the Australian wicketkeeper, I’m still wondering what BRAD HADDIN his mind when he played that awful shot in the First Test against South Africa.
 
My tip? I’ll go with the anagram of “Australia tested versus New Zealand” which is…
 
AS USUAL, NZ DERAILED. ‘TWAS NEVER A TEST.
 

About Andrew Gigacz

Well, here we are. The Bulldogs have won a flag. What do I do now?

Comments

  1. Skip of Skipton says:

    I was thinking Ben Hifenhaus might have been in the frame for a recall due to good recent form, but obviously HE BE SHUN. FINAL!

  2. Ah Skip, I knew he’d be one of your PIKS.

  3. John Butler says:

    Gigs, the Cutting seam was going to be mined at some stage.

    Trust you to adopt the open-cut method. :)

  4. Oh how I wish Mitchell Johnson’s name was Buck Finis-Burgh

  5. Love it, Litza!

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